Randomness

When I decided that I would start "blogging" I was going to use it as a creative outlet because I thought that it would give me a change of pace and let me write. It turns out that it made me not want to write because I felt like I should be coming up with amazing stories and profound ideas. So I am ditching that idea and just 'shooting from the hip'. :)
Last night at work, as per the usual, some of the girls and I were talking about how much a few of our other co-workers are a thorn in our sides--and I am talking HUGE thorn here, not a trivial sliver, but a chest-tube sized thorn. I know that it's bad enough to be talking about people, and let's be honest, we weren't being nice, but we were really getting into the moment and egging each other on, which is even worse, and I realize that. But I digress.
What I did realize during all of this "co-worker bonding" was that we protect each other. Individually we were all privy to our own set of harassment from the aforementioned co-workers, but also, we were all witness to our friends being ridiculed, and we all stood up for one another, not intending to let each other know what had "gone down".
That seems like something that you would expect from a colleague, and demand from a friend, but working in this city, it's not the norm. Getting ready for work is like getting ready for war (as far as I can imagine), at least mentally. You have to get your guard up, put on your thick skin and put the chips on your shoulders. If, on any given day, you forget even one layer, you're sunk. You may as well come to work waving a white flag and accept your defeat--because you will be defeated, mentally and emotionally, every time.
It breaks my heart to know that this is what I have become as an employee, but more so that this is becoming rote and starting to creep into my life outside of work. I remember being able to go to work as happy-go-lucky as I wanted and be safe. Of course there are always times, and even periods of time, that will always be tough no matter where you are or what you are doing, but overall, I would say that I was happy. I used to smile, laugh and enjoy life as best I could. People always used to tell me that I was always smiling and looked happy, now, I am usually straight-faced and people ask me what's wrong. I feel less inclined to smile and I am not as jovial as I was.
My time spent "up-north" (sadly meaning Alma and Mt.Pleasant--which is not really too far north, unless you are from SE MI:)) are the times that I remember being the happiest, despite some of the greatest personal and financial struggles I have faced in my life. How sad, no? I love the people that I work with here--err, I love the friends I have made at work--and I wouldn't want to lose any of them, but I really have a burning desire to be back where I was happy and go back to where things are, or were, better for me. I miss living where there are real trees and grass and plants, not concrete and pollution and traffic and noise. Where people are friendly and say HI when they see you, even if they don't know you, and you can be at ease because they probably don't want to mug you. Where it might take a while to get somewhere, but when you get there, you meet open arms. Where people just stop by without calling and goodness knows a party will probably come out of it :). Where it's fine to crash on someone's couch, and maybe even drool, and not have to worry about being "out of the group". Where people actually care about one another and let you know. Where asking a favor of a neighbor doesn't mean you'll get a door slammed in your face or have to worry about what they'll do to your house when you're not home. Where there are still people that will open doors if your arms are full. Where it's ok to let your guard down and be happy, even if you look like an ass doing it :).
When I started writing I had no idea that this was where I was going, but I think that it's a good personal assessment--yikes, haha. I have lost touch with many of my friends from up north, but I know that they are still there, and I can't wait to visit in a few weeks! I love all of my friends, from everywhere, and I wish you all the best. Thanks for being my family and for loving me too. You guys rock! :)